Jump Start # 3539

Matthew 19:5 “and said, ’For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.’”

In the morning I go to preform a wedding ceremony for an incredible young couple. They love each other and they love the Lord. It is so special when two strong believers, coming from a heritage of believers, join their lives together.

Like two rivers coming together, the joining of two lives in marriage is a special and also unique chapter for a young couple. The leaving of father and mother and mom and dad allowing that child to have his own space and leave is an adjustment for everyone involved. Next to finances, one of the greatest challenges for Christians who get married is the forming of an independent home. Sometimes the in-laws and the out-laws get too wrapped up in things that they shouldn’t and that creates more tension than what should be there.

The leaving is more than location. It’s more than a maturity factor. It means that your married child may do things differently than you do, and establish different traditions that you have and may not come running every time the family gets together. And, when parents start dropping lines such as, “Well, we always get together for birthdays,” or, “Going camping is something we always do around the 4th.” Understand, that may be what YOU do, but for that married couple, they are forming their own ways and it may not include some of those timeless family traditions. Give them space. Understand. Or, you can guilt them to come and you have just poured the first layer of resentment and stress in their lives. Don’t make your grown son choose between his parents and his wife. He needs to side with his wife, because that’s where his commitment and heart is.

My kids are married. We’ve gone through the adjustments of different holiday traditions, understanding that the in-laws need to see them as much as we want to see them. Your married children will decorate their homes differently than what you would. They may have more pets that you would. They may sleep in later than you think is necessary. All of this, falls under that umbrella of leaving father and mother. Unless they are doing something that can keep them out of Heaven, it’s best not to express your opinion unless it is asked for. Just don’t say it, will keep the sparks from flying.

Here are some thoughts about the marriage between two Christians:

First, it is wonderful to see that there are those who still believe in God’s way of doing things. No living together first, then years later, get married. Get the order in order. First comes love, then comes marriage and then comes the baby in the baby carriage, as the ole’ tune suggested.

For a culture that has given up on God, it’s great to see young couples who still honor the Lord by doing things His way. It is refreshing. It is special. Everything about it seems right.

Second, when a young Christian couple gets married, especially when they have been busy serving in the kingdom, teaching, helping and doing all they can, it just makes one know that good things will continue. Together, they will teach. Together, they will have hospitality in their home. Together, they will help the kingdom. Decades later, it is this type of couple that will touch so many lives for good. It is in this type of couple that leaders of God’s church are drawn from. Busy from the start and doing all that they can, what an asset they are to each other and to the Lord. Together they will help each other get to Heaven.

Third, when a young Christian couple marries it’s the result of years of molding, shaping and teaching by their parents. Going to worship since they were just months old, hearing so many sermons and sitting through so many Bible classes, though young in age, they are mature in faith. And, this incredible foundation will help them navigate safely through the choices and options that life presents to them. The immature and the unspiritual will continually make poor decisions. But the wise have listened to the counsel of God and others. All those devotions at home. All those talks that parents have had. All those prayers prayed. And, now, mom and dad are seeing that it was all worth it. A good man is marrying a good woman. Together, they become a virtuous couple. Strong in faith, and committed to each other, what a blessing they are. They will be examples for others. Some will point to this relationship and long for that in their own life. Mothers will say to their daughters, ‘you need to be like this young Christian woman.’ Dads will say to their sons, ‘Do you see all the good that this young man is doing?’

When the Holy Spirit wanted to illustrate the powerful relationship between Jesus and the church, He chose marriage as the perfect example. He didn’t use a coach and a team. He didn’t use a partnership in business. He didn’t use a couple of life long friends. No. The Holy Spirit chose a husband and a wife for the illustration. One wonders if there was a Christian couple that the Holy Spirit had in mind.

What a joy the morning will bring. What happiness for this special couple. Love, trust, and Lord—one just can’t beat that combination. Great things will happen with those three ingredients get stirred together in the heart.

Early congrats to Isaiah and Chloe. We wish you the best. This is just the beginning for the rest of your lives.

Roger

Jump Start # 3196

Matthew 19:5 “and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh”

Our verse today shows Jesus quoting God’s perspective of marriage. This quote comes from Genesis two. Leave and cleave. Stay and stick. Two becoming one. Our culture has sure turned the beauty of marriage inside out. My wife and I celebrated our wedding anniversary this week. When looking for a card for her, I saw one from a wife to a wife. To say anything about that is to be destroyed as homophobic, prejudice, narrow and a bigot. Such are the times we live in.

I saw an interesting stat the other day. The typical couple getting married will spend at least 400 hours in planning for the big day. Lots of decisions. Lots of choices. Lots of planning. But, that stat also revealed that the typical couple spends less than eight hours in marriage classes, counseling or advice. A lot of time is put into THE day, but very little into the LIFE that follows. The perfect wedding often does not reflect even a good marriage.

This is something that God’s people ought to realize is important. It’s more than warning about the dangers of divorce, it’s about how to live a life together. Everyone brings a past, a family, opinions and yes, even sins into that relationship. Navigating through all of that, plus getting on the same page about finances, children, holidays, family time, goals can sure be stressful. Communication needs to be open, transparent and strong.

Wedding planning or marriage planning—sure is something to think about. Here are some thoughts:

First, we need to continue to preach, preach and preach about what God says about marriage. Culture has redefined and reshaped what marriage looks like. Our audiences need to understand. They need to hear plain Bible preaching on these things.

Second, when possible, it would be great to offer some classes for your couples in the congregation. That moon-eyed look that they have can quickly turn into a deer in the headlights look as they recognize attitudes, opinions and views that do not line up with the way they thought they should. Having an older married Christian lead those discussions can be helpful and powerful. There are many, many books on the market that deal with communication, conversations, finances and raising a family. The pull of the world can be hard on a young couple. Getting them on the same page spiritually is important.

Third, a young couple ought to seek out some advice from a couple older than them. Get to know them. Recognize how strong they are spiritually. Take them out to lunch and ask questions. Seek godly advice. I’d encourage a young preacher and his wife do this with an older preacher and his wife. There are a lot of pressures and things the young couple have yet to witness that strong, spiritual advice can help them.

Fourth, understand the principle of the triangle. We’ve heard the concept about the triangle often in lessons about marriage. God is at the top and the man and woman are at the base. It takes all three to make a marriage honorable and thrive. Yet, there is another principle of the triangle that is often left out. As each of the sides get closer to the top, the sides get closer to each other. The farther from the top they get, the wider or farther from each other the sides become. So, one of the best things that can pull a couple together is for each to get closer to the Lord. As they grow in faith, they will grow closer and closer to each other.

Some of the best marriage advice will not be about bills, houses and kids, but grace, patience, forgiveness and walking with the Lord. Worshipping together, praying together, growing together spiritually are powerful tools that couples need to utilize today. Learning these principles and learning how to use them effectively in a marriage can be some of the best things that a congregation can teach. Learning to be humble. Learning to be a servant. Those are things that will not only strengthen a marriage, but they will strengthen a congregation.

So, the other evening my wife and I got out our wedding book that was used at our wedding. I was amazed at all the gifts that we received and this many years later, those gifts are no longer around. So many of the people that signed our book are now on the other side. So many, many had passed away. But what lasts, and what  endures are a promise kept, a love that grows and a hope in the Lord that is constant. The best part of looking at that old wedding book was seeing me and her.

Planning for a wedding or planning for a marriage—the two are not necessarily the same. One is over quickly. The other ought to last a lifetime.

Roger

Jump Start # 3057

  Matthew 19:5 “and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall leave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.”

Spring is the time for flowers, getting outside and for around this year, weddings. We have many weddings in our church family. I’m doing some of them and others I’ll just be smiling from the audience. I like weddings, especially when they are someone else’s to deal with. All of our kids are married. There are so many choices to make and decisions to be decided upon. Details, details, and more details. Weddings can really be stressful, especially when they are outside because changing the weather is something only Jesus can do.

What happens after the wedding? The gifts have been given. The cake has been eaten. Everyone has gone home. Now, what? There are some lessons that we need to remember. What happens after the wedding?

First, there is a marriage to be lived. The wedding is one day. The marriage is for a lifetime. I fear that some pour so much into having the perfect wedding that they settle for having a subpar marriage. After the wedding, it’s back to work. There are bills to pay. There are plans and dreams to be lived. There are the day to day things of life. Not everyday is exciting like the wedding day. Some days are just plain ordinary days, nothing special. Life is made up of many ordinary days. But what makes those ordinary days extraordinary are what we put into those days. Pack them with such things as: Kindness, character, heart, love, grace, and especially forgiveness.

After the wedding, there is a marriage to be lived.

Second, after the wedding, there is a God to be honored. It’s fairly common to have some prayers and Bible readings at a wedding. Those things fit because it was God who came up with the idea of marriage, not us. Since God designed marriage, we ought to not only invite God to the wedding, but into our homes after the wedding. There is a God that needs to be worshipped. There are people to be encouraged. There are those who need to be taught. As a newly married couple, it’s time to start putting in place the values that mean so much. Together as a new couple, begin some great spiritual habits together. Get down to the church house early. Have some folks over for hospitality. Plug into the teaching program. You are establishing your own home, your own habits, and your own path. No longer are you tagging along with your parents. Branch out. Spread your wings. Use your talents. Honor the Lord. After the wedding, there is a God to be honored.

Third, a new chapter for parents begin. This new chapter is hard. Unless thought out carefully, parents that mean well, can become a major problem in the newly married couple’s life. The young couple can only spread their wings, if we parents will allow them. Expecting, even demanding, with some added guilt on top, that they go out to eat with you every week is too much. Just because the family always took a vacation together, doesn’t mean that the young couple will. Give them some room, space and a chance to breathe. Let them make some of their own decisions. Smothering parents can force a young man or a young woman to have to choose between the parents or their spouse. They shouldn’t be put in that place. A vacation without them. A holiday alone. Those are the things that some parents struggle with. When Jesus said that a man should leave his father and mother, he was not talking about the location of his home. He was talking about maturity, responsibility and establishing your own way. But a man can only leave his father and mother, if the father and mother will let him go. Some of us don’t do that. We want to tag along, and express our thoughts, insights and opinions to nearly everything they do. That smothers.

We have found that unless our kids are doing something that would hurt their souls, we try to stay out of their lives. If they ask for our advice, we will offer it, but otherwise we try to keep quiet. So, they do things I wouldn’t do. Can they go to Heaven that way? Yes. Then stay out of their business. It’s hard, but it’s the best. We wouldn’t want someone interfering in what we do.

Fourth, there is a Heaven that must be sought. The wedding ends, but the journey to Heaven never does. Choices. Friends. Jobs. Churches. So much comes through our lives. Keeping Heaven in the forefront will help one navigate safely through those things. Growing together. Praying together. Being active together in a church. Helping each other get to Heaven is the key to keeping the marriage where it ought to be. Never forget the Lord. Never forget what the Lord expects. When one is down, the other can encourage the discouraged and help him get back to where he ought to be. Perspective. Discernment. Seeking. All of those things go together when Heaven is being sought.

The wedding. You’ll remember that day and the date. A lot of hours were poured into those few minutes at the wedding. But it’s after the wedding that really matters.

Roger

Jump Start # 2988

Matthew 19:5 “and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh?’”

This is the week of Christmas. It’s a time for festive holiday events, family gatherings, and the excitement of children. There is a lot that goes into getting everything ready for the “big day.” This week, using that idea, we are looking at “Countdowns” in our lives. Yesterday, it was Sunday worship. Today, our focus is upon marriage.

I know a couple that will be getting married next spring. They are in the “countdown” mode. You ask one of them and they can tell you exactly how many days until the wedding. They are excited. They ought to be. Marriage, when it is done right, God’s way, is a wonderful blessing and powerful spiritual help. It was God who realized that man needs help. It’s not good for man to be alone. We need to share life together. We need someone to talk to and someone who understands and can help us.

The “Countdown” for marriage. Let’s put some thoughts behind that.

First, far too many put more emphasis and energy into the wedding and not the marriage. The wedding is the start, but it’s not the finish. The wedding is one day, not the lifetime. Certainly, every bride wants her wedding to be a fairytale in her own way. I’ve seen country weddings. I’ve been to weddings in barns. I’ve been to weddings that are outdoors. I been to big fancy weddings. I conducted a wedding once in my front room. All of those are a reflection of the couple and their tastes. But that day quickly comes and quickly goes. The guests arrive and the guests go home. The presents come and the presents are opened. But after that wedding day, there is a life to be lived. And, this is where the emphasis needs to be directed. They are starting a home, their own home. They both bring ideas from how they were raised and those must be merged into what they want for their home.

Before the “I do’s” are said there are several items that need conversation:

• How are we going to serve the Lord together?
• What about hospitality?
• How much should we give to the Lord?
• How do we handle finances? Do we have a budget? Do we have a goal? What about the debts we bring to the marriage?
• How are we going to do the holidays?

Two different ideas…two different attitudes…two different ways—the two, God said, become one. One in spirit. One in heart. One in body. One in goals. One in direction.

Second, as wedding day approaches, everyone has ideas and opinions about how the couple ought to do things. This includes this guy who is writing this Jump Start. Parents have their ideas. The couple has their own ideas. One has to consider the ideas that are presented, consider who it is that is expressing them and see if they will work. What works for one, may not work for someone else. What has worked for you may not work for someone else. And, for parents of grown children, it’s very hard to keep our mouths closed about things. This is our child. There was a time when we controlled their lives. We picked out their clothes. We decided what they would eat. We determined when they went to bed. But now, they are grown and we can’t do that. We are only advisors and there are days that our grown children do not want our advice. It’s hard on parents. In our family, we’ve decided to stay out of things unless asked and we only inject our feelings when we see something not right spiritually. One can be odd, weird, unusual, different and even dumb and go to Heaven. It may not be the way the parents would do things, but if it won’t keep them from Heaven, stay out of it. It hurts young families when both sets of parents are constantly telling them how to do things. You may not like how they decorate their houses. You may not like the pets they have. You may not like the cars they buy. But if those things won’t keep them from Heaven, try to be quiet about that. The opinions from parents can wreck a young marriage. It’s putting the couple at the crossroads of standing with parents or standing with the spouse. We parents shouldn’t put our kids in that situation.

Third, all around us God has given us examples of Christians who have been married for decades and decades. There are all kinds of books on the market that deal with conversations, sex, raising kids, money management, establishing boundaries—and many of them have useful and helpful ideas, but nothing beats someone who has actually done it. Pick out an older couple from the congregation. Ask them out for dinner and then talk. Ask them some questions. Listen to wisdom. Listen to godliness lived. Living examples are the best help. Living examples beat anything you’ll read in a modern book.

Marriage is a journey. It’s going up that big, big hill and it’s going down that big, big hill. There are stressful days. There are challenging days. There are plain, ordinary days. There are wonderful, great days. And, what makes all of those days is the spirit you choose to carry and the walk you have in faith.

Countdowns…weddings are just one of them in our lives.

Roger

Jump Start # 857

Matthew 19:5 “and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

We have been looking at weddings and marriage in our Jump Starts. Our verse is part of Jesus’ response to the Pharisees trick question. They asked about divorce. They were interested in proving that Jesus wasn’t the Messiah. I expect the Pharisees thought a long time about what question would be the best to ask Jesus. You can imagine a meeting where all kinds of ideas are shouted out and explored and tossed away. Finally, someone suggested this one. Can a man get a divorce for any reason? They thought about how Jesus would answer that. They kicked it around and finally, concluded that this was it. There is no way He could answer this question without showing some flaws. Off they went to track Jesus down.

Yesterday, we looked at the expression, “leave his father and mother.” That has to do with maturity. Marriage is for grown ups who are grown up on the inside. If a guy can’t get up and get to the church house, or work without his mamma waking him up each time, then he’s not ready to get married. If a guy can’t be responsible with his money, then he’s not ready to get married. The leaving is not about the address where the couple will live, it’s about the maturity of their head and heart.

A second thought from this passage is, “the two shall become one flesh.” There is an immediate thought here, but also a deeper implication. Two becoming one defines the sexual act of marriage. There is nothing dirty, shameful or wrong about that. There is, if it is outside of marriage. God has placed a “No trespassing sign” around sexual activity. The key that opens the fence is marriage. All others have climb over the fence and are trespassing. If they get caught, and God has already caught them, they will get in trouble. Two becoming one is part of marriage. It is good and right. God intended for the relationship to be that way. Most get this part of this passage. Even none believers understand this. I was in a bookstore and saw a book entitled, “Sex for Dummies.” Need I say anything more about that? I think that is one subject that dummies get.

Two becoming one involves more than the physical relationships in marriage. If that is the extent of things, much will be lacking in that marriage. There are couples who do not operate as one when it comes to finances. They are polar opposites. Money is a constant battle in the marriage. Financial guru Dave Ramsey contends that money problems are the number one cause of divorce today. Why is that so? Because a couple has not become “ONE” in finances.

Another area is becoming one in raising kids. That’s important. Consistency between mom and dad. Kids figure it out quickly. If dad says, “No,” they will run to mom with the hopes that she will say yes. Becoming one. One in discipline. One in rules. One in bedtime. One in what is expected.

Another area is becoming one with plans and dreams. Mom wants to stay home and be with the little kids. Dad wants her to work so they can have more money. That’s not being one. Stress, pressure and arguments will dominate the battle of the wills.

An important area is becoming one with the Lord. One in their prayers. One in their spiritual destiny. One in their hopes for Heaven. One in worship. One in contribution. One in hospitality. One in teaching God’s word. One in standing upon the platform of the Bible. It’s hard to be one spiritually, when the man or the woman lack faith, interest or concern about the things of God. Sharing life spiritually is a big part of God’s plans for us.

Many of these things ought to be looked at, discussed and considered in the dating part of a relationship. That’s why it’s called dating. If a relationship is based solely upon the physical, these other areas will surface and they will lead to a lot of heartache and headaches in marriage.

Two becoming one…unity. Oneness. In faith, in finance, in life. I tell couples ‘you are soon to be married that when you say, “I do, “ it changes ownership of things.’ It is no longer his stuff and her stuff, it becomes our stuff. It’s not his friends, but now, our friends. It’s not his family, but now, it’s our family. It’s not his debt. It’s now, our debt. It’s not his church, but now, it’s our church. Two have become one.

One in name…one in aim…one in a happy destiny together.

Roger