Jump Start # 3573

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

I’ve been teaching a class called, “Attitudes of Excellence.” In bringing our best to God, our attitudes matter. Attitude is not more important than obedience, but neither is it lesser important. They are both necessary. A gift can be ruined when given out of guilt or pressure or with a sorry attitude.

More than sixty major American universities have had protests recently. Hundreds have been arrested. Many will be expelled. The passion of a mob and the thoughtless actions may have years of repercussions upon these college kids. There may be many changes in the administration positions of these schools. There are layers of social problems that have been magnified in these protests. Lacking respect for authority; ignoring rules; demanding when one is not in the position to make demands are some of the surface issues that are noticeable.

My class that I taught focused upon the “Higher ground in conflicts and disagreements” that God’s people ought to take. Your attitude in disagreements is as important as what and why you disagree. One of the tiny points we looked at was name calling. Calling someone a name usually comes from a bitter heart that is filled with malice and slander. The intention of name calling is to hurt someone and shut down any reasonable discussion.

• Elisha was mocked and called “baldhead” by a gang of youths. Two bears came and killed 42 of them (2 Kings 2:24)
• Ahab called Elijah a “troubler of Israel” (1 King 18:17)
• Jesus was called a “Samaritan” (Jn 8:48)
• Jesus was said to have a demon and been insane (Jn 10:20)
• Paul was said to be crazy or out of his mind by Festus (Acts 26:24)
• Paul’s preaching was called “unimpressive” by the Corinthians (2 Cor 10:10)

Some thoughts:

First, name calling is cruel and comes from a heartless soul. Often, when a person has no response, no supporting evidence and is in a corner, they will start tossing out names. Remembering the golden rule and letting our gentle spirit be known by all (Phil 4:5), ought to keep one from resorting to name calling.

Second, name calling in an argument is like watching a tennis match. Back and forth the wicked and cruel names are tossed. Each time, more intense and more ugly. Louder and louder the disagreement grows until finally one has had enough and walks away, bleeding emotionally and even spiritually. Shame on brethren when we do this, especially to each other.

Third, name calling is often an extreme exaggeration or even made up. There may be no truth what-so-ever, yet the person will toss it in an argument just to see the other person explode in anger. As long as people are calling each other names, there is little hope for a discussion to end well. Within a marriage, when name calling is used, it will take a long, long time to recover from that.

Fourth, there are some terms that God uses that rightly describes and defines a person. When Jesus called the Pharisees “hypocrites” in Matthew 23, He wasn’t “name-calling” to get them to walk away. He called them that because that’s what they were. When Peter uses the expression “false teacher,” he is identifying what those people were. They were teaching things that were not true with God’s word. They were false teachers.

The intention of name-calling is to hurt someone emotionally.

When someone has called you an unkind name, don’t fire back at that person. It’s a no win situation. Remember, when Jesus was reviled, He uttered no threats in return (1 Peter 2:23). Sometimes the best response is no response. Silence can be your best tool when talking with someone who is angry and spewing words intended to hurt.

The higher ground in conflicts and disagreements. Easy lesson to teach. Tough lesson to practice.

Roger

Jump Start # 2301

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

I like this verse. It sure is needed these days. So many seem to be walking around with a chip on their shoulders and if you look differently at a person, you’re sure to get an earful. This is especially true in the culture of politics. It appears that both sides are always mad at each other. It’s wearisome to most of us. We are busy with life. We have jobs, family and our journey with the Lord to focus upon. All the fussing out of Washington and on talk shows is enough to give one a headache.

Our verse today reminds us that you and I can change the temperature of a discussion. The choice of words and the way we say them can really calm things down or it can lead to a real dog fight. It takes two to argue. The righteous wise person recognizes the strength in a gentle answer.

Consider a few thoughts:

First, to be one who speaks gently, you must think first. That’s the problem many of us have. We are talking faster than we are thinking. We say things without running those words through any filters and without considering how they will be received. Like two armies engaged in a battle, one fires a shot and the other side returns. Back and forth this goes. Then as things get worse, volume is added. Shouting takes place. Then anger is added. Then body language such as pointing fingers, slamming doors, pounding on a table, is added. And, at that point the discussion falls apart. Both sides leave mad at each other. And, the problem only deepens.

Being gentle when the other person is ready to explode like a volcano is hard to do. But the gentle approach will cool things down and it will address the issue rather than attacking the person. In a heated discussion, there are words that you shouldn’t say. There is a volume that you shouldn’t reach. Remain seated. Stick to the topic. Be kind. Be gentle.

Second, to be gentle, stick with the topic of disagreement. So often, when one is upset, they will jump from topic to topic, without fully coming to a conclusion on any of them. The more doors that are opened the harder it is to close them. If necessary, write down all the other things that are problems and promise to discuss those another day, but for today, let’s stay on this subject. Some do not want closure. They just want to rant and air their complaints. They are not looking for solutions. They need the problem to stick around so they have a reason to be upset, mad and complaining.

Third, to be gentle does not mean you cave in, surrender your views or do not draw a line in the sand. You can stand firm, and yet, remain gentle. You can be bold and direct without being ugly. You can have convictions and still be gentle. This is a sign of meekness. To be meek does not mean to be weak. It’s strength under control. Jesus was meek. Jesus also had the power to call down legions of angels. He could have opened up the earth and swallowed his critics. But he didn’t. He was under control. He never had to come back the next day and apologize for something he said. He never was over the top. Jesus called himself “gentle in heart.”

Fourth, often to avoid wrath is to avoid more sin. Paul told the disciples to put away all wrath. Wrath, slander, anger, all seem to hang around each other. Where you find one, you’ll usually find the others. Some people know just what buttons to push to get you upset. Some, especially teens, like to do this on purpose. Some are looking for a fight. There are some disagreements that are simply not our business. You do not have to attend every argument that you are invited to. I wonder if some of the obnoxious comments people write on social media are there just to engage in a verbal fight. They say things just to get others upset.

Fifth, the gentle answer can open one’s heart to the Lord. There are some who have their minds made up. There are some who are as hard as concrete. There are some who are so stubborn, nothing will change their minds. However, there are those few who listen. They may actually give thought to what you say and noticing how you conduct yourself in these discussions, be swayed to hear more. A lot of angry stuff being said these days lacks evidence, logic and common sense. Some think if they huff and puff long enough, it will blow down the houses of faith. The gentle answer can clear the smoke and it allows others to see how ridiculous error is. Error is not consistent. Error doesn’t make sense. Error is not logical. Error is not factual. But if enough people repeat it, long enough and loud enough, some will accept that error is really true.

Sixth, the gentle answer must be presented in kindness to be gentle. Name calling, falsely accusing, attacking the character of a person is all the tools that error uses. Don’t go there. Don’t generalize. Don’t stoop to hatred, racism, or abusive speech. Don’t do what the others are doing. I remember a discussion I had with a guy about the origin of the Bible. I presented reasons for inspiration from God. He couldn’t accept that. There was no way. The Bible, he loudly informed me, was nothing more than a collection of fables, myths and legends that a group of men put together. I asked him where’s the proof for that? He shouted. I asked what fables? Where did they come from? He didn’t know. I asked him what group of men put this together? He didn’t know. I asked him when they did this? He didn’t know. I asked him what was their motive? He didn’t know. I asked him where was this done? He didn’t know. I asked him why there wasn’t any evidence or proof for what he claimed? He didn’t know. All he knew was that God didn’t inspire the Bible. I asked him if it was possible that a divine God existed. He said it was possible. I asked if that divine God could have the power to create the world. He guessed it could be possible. I asked if that divine God could communicate to the world He made. He said he guessed so. I asked if that divine God could communicate with words. He agreed. I asked if that divine God could have those words written in a book. It was here that he said, The Bible is not inspired by God. Tired, frustrated and feeling like I accomplished nothing, that’s how some discussions end. But even then, you must be kind and gentle. You’ll walk away from some discussions realizing that the person wasn’t logical. The arguments didn’t make sense. There was no proof. Yet, the person wasn’t moving away from them.

The golden rule demands that we treat others the way we’d like to be treated. Rather than reacting to the tone and spirit of the person talking to us, you set the tone by being kind and gentle. This works in marriage. This works with the kids. This works at work. This works in Biblical discussions.

The gentle answer is the way to go…

Roger

Jump Start # 754

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Our passage today addresses how we deal with one another. Two different approaches. Two different attitudes. Two different results. The gentle answer is contrasted with the harsh word.  Turns away wrath is contrasted with stirs up anger. Implied is a peaceful outcome to a hostile outcome.

I was at a place to eat the other day. A man wanted a refill of sweet tea. He was told that they were currently out of tea. That wasn’t an acceptable answer to him. He then demanded to know when they were going to make more tea. It was near closing time, and he was told that no more would be brewed that day. His attitude started brewing. He wanted to know the managers name and declared that he would have a word with him. He wanted his tea. He didn’t get what he wanted so he was ready to give what no else wants—a hard time, a sorry attitude and a earful of ugly words, and a mean spirited and loud complaint. Over tea.

Two things came to my mind. First, the service in many places is not as good as it once was. People have to wait longer, the quality of service is subpar and the products often are inferior. That’s enough to boil some tea right there. Second, people seem to be more impatient these days. The unpleasant situation I witnessed the other day is becoming more and more common. People seem to be more demanding, more angry and not afraid to tell you if you are wrong. It even happens in church. Those in leadership roles often get an earful of complaints from those whose patience has run out and who feel that they know just exactly how things ought to be. I’ve been on the receiving end of those of those tirades before. Some have been deserved because I fumbled the ball, but some haven’t. One ugly complaint will trump ten nice compliments every time. A person will forget the compliments, but years later that ugly complaint still haunts the soul. The harsh answer damages some, forever. Many young preachers have quit because of the harsh complaints from folks who have a cruel heart and are clueless about how to talk to people. I’ve been on the edge more than once myself. I’m sensitive to the young preacher and will go out of my way to be a shield and protect him from “harsh” words that ought not to be said.

Why is it that we tend to be harsh instead of gentle? The default button for many people is harshness. The sweetest little grandmas and become little devils if you cross them. Why? This happens in many families. This happens among brethren. The work place is so unhealthy that the number one reason people leave jobs has nothing to do with money, but it has to do with the environment with co-workers. The back stabbing, gossipy, meanness literally steals sleep, appetites, and peace of mind. It seems that folks do not know how to disagree without being disagreeable. The threat of lawsuits, the fear of division, the uneasiness of how to be around some people makes people walk on eggshells and hide under the cover and pretense that everything is great when it is just the opposite.

The gentle answer has a lot to do these things. An atmosphere of open discussion with the intent of wanting the best for the other person is what is behind the gentle answer. The gentle  answer may not be the answer the other person wanted to hear. It may be an answer of correction or criticism, but delivered in a package of gentleness, it is well received. Attitudes and seeing the big picture is the key here.

Back to my story about the man not getting his tea. The poor cashier did all she could to calm him down. She offered him any other drink he wanted. Not good enough. He wanted tea. She apologized. Not good enough. He wanted tea. She again apologized. Not good enough. He wanted tea. I thought, I remember my kids acting that way. They were two years old at the time. This guy, in his 60’s, sure acted like he was two. His little fit caught the attention of several in the store. He didn’t get his tea, and more than that, he didn’t get any respect from the rest of us. Some were mumbling just loud enough to hear, “What a jerk,” or “that guy’s an idiot.” My thought was, “boy, that guy really needs Jesus.”

It is easy for us to become harsh when we see someone else being harsh. Someone having a “two-year-old’s fit” doesn’t justify us being harsh about them. I’ve done that.

All of this comes down to we have a choice—gentle or harsh. We have a choice, stopping a skirmish from starting or firing the first shells and engaging in a battle. Our choice. We leave impressions upon people that stay with them for a long, long time. Long after we have forgotten the incident, others haven’t. Some are ruined because of the battles fought in church or in home. Some grow up to become even harsher with others.

Seems like Jesus talked about turning cheeks and going second miles and such things. Remember? That’s the problem. When we don’t have our tea, we tend to forget Jesus and only think about “where’s my tea.”

Try to be gentle today. It’s hard. With some you really have to work at it. Once you’ve done it a few times, you’ll like what it does for you. This is not to say let people abuse you, walk over you, always have their way and take advantage of you. Absolutely not. There is an answer given. There is a stake in the ground. There is a definite. It is given though, with gentleness. Firm, but gentle. Absolute but kind. Confident but not cocky.

Oh, to be like Thee, blessed Redeemer…

Roger

Jump Start # 232

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

  The theme of the tongue is a popular one throughout the book of Proverbs. Most often, how to say things, or as our passage today address, how to respond to someone is as important as what you say. Again, we find a contrast, this time it’s a dual contrast. We have “a gentle answer” contrasted to “a harsh word” and then there is a contrast in results, “turns away wrath” and “stirs up anger.”

  This is a great passage. It would do well to see this stenciled on the wall in our homes, courthouses, and Capitol building. Aggression, anger and “in-your-face” mentality seems to prevail today. Some feel that unless you are that way, people will not notice you and they will walk over you. But that spirit has everyone on edge. People are afraid of discussing differences and confrontation for fear of getting their head chewed off. Political talk shows excel in this atmosphere. People must love it or else those shows would lose ratings and be canceled.

  Why are some “harsh” with their words? My first thought is that they are defensive. People do not like to be told that they are wrong. In Luke 4 when Jesus was teaching at his home town, the crowds were wanting to see miracles. The multitudes were filled with “rage” and they pushed Jesus out of town to a cliff and intended to throw Him off, but the Lord escaped. Road rage, short tempers, and harsh words all go together. It comes from a lack of patience and self control.

  Our passage doesn’t show the end of the story. The harsh words stirs up anger…then what? Angry words are said. Threats are made. Doors are slammed. Employees quit. Marriages split. Some punch—walls, or each other. The Devil is given an opportunity, as Paul told the Ephesians. All this from a harsh word.

  Many TV shows and movies dwell upon the “in-your-face” aggressive spirit. Much of today’s music is that way. Is it any wonder that so many young people seem angry. They are young, and what do they have to be some mad about? But they are.

  The negative side of this contrast isn’t good. It isn’t constructive and it leaves a path of destruction, but like a tornado does.

  This can be avoided. He shows us how. The gentle answer turns away wrath. It takes two to have an argument. It takes two to have a fight. The gentle answer does not imply you do not defend what you think is right, but it is dealing with the manner and tone that you do it in. Gentle as opposed to harsh. Volume doesn’t add strength to arguments. We forget that. We get louder and louder, forgetting that thunder never kills anyone, it’s the lightning that is dangerous. Calm in the midst of a storm, keeping your head when all around are losing theirs. This is hard. When someone is screaming and loud and harsh toward us, we tend to get loud and shout back. There is a Nigerian expression that says, “When two elephants fight, the grass suffers.” I like that. When two parents fight, the children suffer. When two team mates fight, the team suffers. When two brethren fight, the church suffers.

  Gentle—that was the way of Christ. Peter says when He was reviled, He did not utter threats back. He knew what was right. He knew what was being said was twisted, prejudiced and wrong. He knew. He also knew, getting into a shouting match would make Him lose credibility and hurt the good he was doing.

  In the great call of Jesus, He says, “Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am GENTLE  and humble in heart, and you shall find rest for your souls” (Mt 11:28-29). Jesus is gentle. We need to learn from Him. He knows.

  Remember this today, gentle answer. Try it. There may be times you want to explode, but don’t. Gentle answer. There may be those who are “in-your-face” today. Gentle answer. State what you feel. Stand your ground. Defend your position. But do it with gentleness. It will save you a ton of heartache and headache as well. Your manner may calm down an angry person.

  Give it a try. This is what God wants. It will turn away wrath. We know it works, because God says so.

Roger