Jump Start # 2888

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

A marriage was unraveling. It was taking place right before me. I was in a store having some service done. The owner was on the phone. His door was open. While I was sitting in the waiting room, I heard. I heard too much. I heard more than I wanted to hear. He was mad. He was cussing. He was yelling. Ugly names were being called. He referred to his lawyer and then her lawyer. I quickly got the picture. He was talking to his wife. They were in the process of getting a divorce. And, it wasn’t going to be a sweet parting of the ways. The daggers were out. He ended the conversation. I expected to see smoke billowing out of this office. The phone rang again. He said, “I was just talking to stupid.”

I don’t know the story or the pain, but the anger was real. When he stormed out of the office, I looked down at my phone. I was afraid that he was going to turn on me if I said anything. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent, the wise man told us. That was a time to be silent. It’s hard to talk and harder still to reason with someone who is angry. Let things cool down.

How do we allow our relationships to sink like that? There was a time I expect when he truly loved his wife. They had a wedding. The “I dos” were repeated. A home was bought. But instead of living happily ever after, for them, it came to a screeching halt. Name calling. Cuss words. Shouting. Referring to one as “stupid.”

Some lessons I saw:

First, a person must be careful about what is said when others are around. What took place certainly wasn’t very professional. I expect in some homes, children are witnesses to the ugly things we adults say. And, what is said, doesn’t have to be cussing or even against each other. The trash talking of the church, the shepherds, the preachers, before little ears leaves a lasting impression. What we say about other family members can be heard and damage can result from that. There is a time and a place to say things. Going out the church door on Sunday morning, with a crowd behind you, is not the time nor the place to air your complaints.

It is often hard to recover after we have verbally chewed someone out. It’s like squeezing all the toothpaste out of a tube. It sure does come out fast and easy. But once it’s out, it’s nearly impossible to put back in. So are our words. James tells us to be quick to hear and slow to speak. It seems these days that we do just the opposite. We are fast on the draw when it comes to sharing our opinion or our feelings, but we are slow as a turtle when it comes to listening. Some never do listen. All they do is talk.

Second, relationships rarely stay in the same place. They move. They move forward or they move backward. They move to a better place or they move to a dangerous place. Often they move, much like a boat that is drifting, and we hardly notice, until it’s dangerously close to going over a waterfall. The more good we put in a relationship, the more it will move to a better place. However, the more we ignore a relationship and the more we pour negative and ugly attitudes into it, the more it will likely crash on the rocks or go over a waterfall.

All relationships are like this. This is true in a marriage. This is true between parent and child. This is true among friends. This is true with God. Relationships move. We move with them. We move to good places or we move to terrible places.

I can tell you the man on the phone didn’t just explode out of no reason. Things go south for a long time. Poor choices and indifference and neglect drive out love. Then one day something triggers all of these emotions and the kettle explodes. It’s been coming. It’s not been dealt with. And, it gets to a point that getting out of a relationship seems to be the only option.

Third, disciples of Jesus must do better. Grace and forgiveness must be part of the foundation that we build our homes upon. Trust, love, and the Lord must go beyond the wedding ceremony to everyday living. Without a foundation in the Lord and a commitment to His word, all a person has is his own feelings. And, when those feelings have been trashed, there remains no other reason to stay in that relationship.

Speak kindly, even when you are upset. Get ahold of your emotions. Don’t let them take over and steer your mind and your decisions. Pray. Seek godly counsel. Put the Lord first. Take a breath and think things through. Anger won’t bring you positive results. Much too often, anger only makes things worse. Don’t wait until you see the waterfall before you start thinking of what actions you ought to take.

Death and life are in words—use them wisely.

Roger

Jump Start # 2258

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

My wife and I both love books. I lean toward historical, biographical and religious books. For her, it’s children’s books. We have a mountain of grandchildren now and so we have been collecting all kinds of children’s books. She gives children’s books away as presents. I used to read nearly every night to my kids when they were little. One series of books that I have been introduced to recently is the Lama, Lama books. The titles all rhyme and the story features lamas. The book this season was “Lama, Lama, holiday drama.” The lama kids were caught up in all sorts of holiday drama.

I wish there was another version of that book. I’d like to see, “Lama, lama, church drama,” because there certainly seems to be a lot of that going around these days. Hurt feelings. Misunderstandings. Mad at one another. Walking away from others without talking. Suspicion. Accusing. Blaming innocent people for things others have done.

It’s the getting everyone along and fitting in and taken care of that can be some of the greatest challenges for a church. What you do for one, isn’t the right thing for the other. With some, you nearly have to bust a board over their head to get their attention. For others, slightly raising your voice and they go into orbit and are ready to quit. Lama, lama, all this church drama!

Our verse helps today. What we say matters. How we say things matter. Believing you can say anything, no matter how cruel or hurtful it may be, and then hide behind, “Well, I just told him the truth” isn’t good. No. You did more than that. You nearly killed him. The passage today says, death is in the power of the tongue. You can kill someone’s hope, spirit and enthusiasm with the very choice of words you use. You killed them. Our verse also says “life is in the power of the tongue.” Hope, optimism, life, chance, encouragement, love, forgiveness—those are all within reach with the proper words.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

First, some people are just going to say anything. They are going to speak their minds. No filters. No consideration of the circumstances or the location. No thought to how those words may be received. Out it comes and once they have spoken what they want, they are done. People can ask the most personal, none-of-your-business questions. They can rip you up one side and then down the other. They can be insensitive, indifferent and uncaring to you and your family. People say things that they shouldn’t. That hasn’t changed with time. That’s not new to this generation and it didn’t die with the last generation. Our verse reminds us that some speak the words of death. Why? Who knows. Should they? No. But, they are going to do it anyway. Few, understand that what comes out of our heart is something that we will be judged for. We can’t destroy someone with our words and expect that God doesn’t notice. How we treat one another is a reflection of how God will treat us. You can’t be right with God and wrong with your fellow man, especially your brother or sister in Christ.

People are going to say things. They are going to tell you what they think you need to do. They are going to tell you where you ought to eat, vacation, buy a house, kind of pet you need to have and all sorts of things. When you do something that wasn’t on their list, you’ll hear about it. They will tell you what a mistake you made. They will tell you horror stories about others who made dumb choices, as they believe you have. Some will drop will verbal bombs that are just powerful enough to ruin your day. Mean things. Hateful things. Cruel things. Little comments, just loud enough for you to hear. They hurt. They create drama. How do I know these things? I’ve had missiles launched my direction for a long time. Stuff about my preaching, my family, where I live, how I dress, what I read, what I ought to be doing. The list is a mile long. It’s enough to stay in bed, with the covers pulled over your head. It’s all it takes for a first class drama.

Second, you have to let things go. That’s the secret. In a perfect world, folks wouldn’t say things that they shouldn’t. But this world isn’t perfect. Things will be said. Now, once they are out there, then it becomes my choice as to what I do with it. Do I build drama and make a big mess of these things? Do I fire more hurtful words back? Do I tell my little circle of friends how I am being mistreated? Do I throw logs upon the fires of drama? Or, like Jesus when things were said to Him, do I not reply back. I know the truth. God knows the truth. I can feel compelled to tell others and defend myself, or I can just let it go. That’s hard. Our blood boils when someone says mean things about us. We feel that we have to get even, get back or at least do something. It’s at that point that the curtain rises and the drama begins. We can sing the Disney Frozen song, “Let it go,” but we certainly have a hard time actually doing that. We store those words in our hearts. We remember. We distance ourselves from “those people.” And, the drama builds. We watch them with a critical eye. One wrong step and we have them. Our radar gun is always pointed at them. If there are get togethers, we find out in advance if our drama queens are going to be there. If so, we won’t. And, the drama continues.

How do you kill church drama? Don’t be a part of it. People will say things they shouldn’t. Let it go. Don’t hold it against them. Don’t be so critical and stop expecting everyone else to be perfect, you are not. Kill the drama. Realize drama may sell books, make great plots for TV shows, but it’s no way for Christians to act. Love all. Forgive all. Include all. Help all.

And, finally, we must watch what we say. You don’t have to express your opinion upon everything you see. You do not have to attend every argument that you are invited to. Someone walks in Sunday morning with pink hair. Keep a lid on your thoughts. Here comes someone late, again. Be careful. Here comes someone that the fashion police would arrest. Don’t say it!

Solomon says there is a time to speak and a time to be silent. This doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to sinful and wrong things. But even there, help, don’t destroy. Encourage. But so much of the drama comes from commenting on who is dating who and who is sitting where and who is wearing what.

Somehow all the lamas work out their problems by the end of the book. They do, every time. Sure wish we could work out all of our drama by the end of services. Maybe we could, if we really worked at it.

Roger

Jump Start # 2168

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Life and death. Our passages today states it the opposite, Death and life. Death and life are in the power of the tongue. With our words we can lift spirits up and encourage. With our words we can crush hearts and wound people for a long, long time.

Our moms taught us, “Stick and stones may break your bones, but words will never harm you.” That was cute. That got us through the moment. But as we grew, we learned that broken bones heal, but wounded hearts often never do. Words do harm. Words, as this passage states, can cause death.

How does one get over something said that was mean, hurtful and crushing. It’s easy to say, “just don’t think about it,” but it’s there. We forget compliments but we can remember criticism for decades. And, in these days, those hurtful words come as texts, emails, Facebook and Twitter posts. Some will write things that they would never say to your face. Some will say mean things in a public forum, such as social media, just to attract a crowd of sympathizers and supporters. It reminds me of a young boy playing football. His dad asked him if he made any tackles. The boy said, “No, but I jumped on the pile a few times.” Social media allows us to jump on the pile.

So, someone said something critical, mean and hurtful to you.

First, that discourages us. It just takes the wind out of our sail. That’s all it takes to ruin a good day. It can happen so quickly and just like that, we feel like putting a paper sack over our heads.

Second, those hurtful words are replayed in our minds over and over. It’s hard to let them go. At night, when it’s time to settle down, those thoughts come ragging through our minds. And, just like picking a scab, those emotional wounds remain fresh and bloody. So, when someone tells us, ‘just don’t think about it,’ it’s hard not to. We don’t want to. But those thoughts are there. It seems no matter what we do, we can’t get rid of them.

Third, hurtful words certainly change relationships. It’s hard to be warm and fuzzy with someone who has thrown darts your way. In a family, this creates tension. In a church, it strains our fellowship. At work, we begin to think about finding another job.

Fourth, a person doesn’t have to live very long before they receive hurtful words. It starts with our siblings. Then our neighborhood friends. Then school. Then work. And, after that, just about anywhere or anytime. Too many are willing to speak their minds without first engaging their minds. They don’t consider how their words may be received. They don’t think about consequences. We hide our offensiveness by saying, “I just call them the way I see them.” Maybe you do, and maybe the way you are seeing things isn’t right.

I expect one of the main reasons young preachers quit is because of all the lip they take by thoughtless brethren who say mean and cruel things. Rather than helping these young guys, they kill them. You look to any preacher that has been preaching for any length of time, and he can tell you stories that would melt the snow. Things that have been said to him. It either toughens your hide or it’ll make you leave Dodge. Too many preachers have quit because of heartless things that were said to them.

So, what do I do when I have been hurt? Someone said something and it stung. It still stings. What do I do?

First, consider whether or not what they said could be true. Some don’t know how to say things in the right way. It may have come out backward, crooked and upside down, but is there any truth to what they are saying? Think about that first. If so, make adjustments. Their perception and our perception may not be the same. Chew on it a while.

Second, consider the source. Is it a spiritual person that is trying to help you? Is it an idiot who is always complaining, always causing trouble and is always trying to make up his mind whether he is with the Lord or not? Is it anonymous? That’s truly a coward’s way.

Third, look deep within your heart and pray. Ask God for patience, forgiveness and open eyes to see what needs to be seen. Remember, as our blood begins to boil, Jesus has never let you down. Jesus has never hurt you. We serve Jesus. We follow Jesus. Don’t let anyone get between you and Jesus.

Fourth, do not launch a counter-attack. We love to do that. Someone says something picky about us, so we say something mean about them. Back and forth the jabs go. Uglier and uglier until one finally leaves the discussion. Some do not know how to have a productive conversation. They use insults, name calling and words that are intended to hurt. You must rise above that. Remember the example of the suffering Jesus that Peter tells us about. When reviled, He uttered no threats. Boy, He could have. He could have split the earth open and swallowed up a few of them. He didn’t. He didn’t and we shouldn’t. It takes two to have an argument. It takes two to have a fight. If someone is getting agitated and irritated, it may be time to step away and calm down. Writing in capital letters is the same as shouting.

Fifth, remember, we are to forgive. Read Ephesians 4:31-32. When we do not forgive, bitterness, anger, wrath will fill our hearts and consume us. It will be the end of us. But when we are kind, tender-hearted and forgiving, it not only brings peace, but it brings bandages to wounded feelings and is necessary for healing.

Finally, clear your head. Go for a walk. Hit some golf balls. Go for a drive. Air out your mind. Put on some music that will help you. Breathe. Remember, you are the first to suffer for something you didn’t do. Get focused. Get your mind back where it needs to be. Spend some time in the Gospels.

What they said was cruel. Probably was. What they said wasn’t even right. Probably true. What they said hurt. Now, you decide how long and how deep the wound will be. It’s up to you to decide if you will allow this to change your, destroy you, crush you or something that you will be able to move on. Controlling your spirit, your anger and your words, is a true sign of strength. You could pop a guy in the nose, but you won’t. You could fire a nasty email back, but you won’t. You could make his life miserable, but you won’t. You won’t because Jesus never did. There is something much larger here than what was said. Your character is showing. When you are fired up it shows what you are made of. It’s a test. You are bigger than these things, so show it and demonstrate it by the way you allow your self to be effected by these things.

Death and life are found in words. Make sure you’re in the life business and not the death.

Roger

Jump Start # 1631

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

  What an interesting verse. It’s written backwards from the way we tend to say things. The Bible does that in several places. For instance, in the creation account, God says, “there was evening and there was morning.” We usually say the opposite, “there was morning and there was evening.” God says, “Honor your Father and mother.” We normally say, “Mom and Dad,” the reverse order. And, here in our verse today, it begins, “Death and life.” We’d say, “Life and death.”

Death and life are in the power of the tongue. You can kill someone with your words or you can pump life into their soul by your words. The choice of words can make all the difference. Your words can help or they can hurt. Encouragement or discouragement—it often comes down to what and how we say things.

All of this reminds us of some simple truths:

First, we must be careful what we say. The words we say can be death to someone. It’s amazing how some give so little thought to what they say. They don’t think about what it would be like to be on the receiving end of those words. I’m not talking about saying crude, offensive or even mean words. We can simply say things that will cause unrest, worry and fear in someone. Somebody gets a new car. You feel compelled to announce before many people, “Isn’t that the model that blows up when you turn it on?” Now think about what you just said. Or, to a pregnant woman, “Isn’t your doctor  being sued for dropping a baby?” Life and death are in your words. Those might be true statements, but the setting, and the way you say those words can help or they can hurt.

Second, not everything needs to be repeated or said. Passing on “death” words is only going to discourage someone. Consider who said those words. Their attitude and their heart may be very far from God. Negative, discouraging and uncomplimentary words is all that is necessary for a tender faith and a young heart to quit. It’s because of death words that many young preachers no longer preach today. They had enough. Some things should not be said.

Third, the value of a encouragement is hard to measure. A kind word. A kind act. Being thoughtful of someone else. The shut in. The widow. The young person. The new preacher. The shepherds. There are so many people and so many ways that we can touch the lives of others. More than thirty years ago, I was the new preacher in a congregation. I had a young family. One Wednesday night after services, a family stop by with grocery bags full of groceries, including “real butter,” as my wife proclaimed. We couldn’t afford “real butter.” They just wanted to greet us and help us out. A simple thing. That amazing encouragement is still remembered three decades later. That’s the value of “life.” Going out of your way to talk with someone. Giving up a Saturday for someone. Sending a class teacher a note at the end of a quarter and thanking them for teaching you. Life—it makes all the difference.

What kills so many people is the thought that no one cares. No one appreciates what I do. No one notices. No one even said a word. A few times with that and a person has had enough. Why go out of my way when no one cares. It’s hard to overcome that.

Parents, begin with your kids by teaching them to give “life” to others. Have them draw a thank you card for Grandma for the gifts she brings. Teach them to say, “Thank you.” Have graduates write a thank you card for graduation gifts. It’s amazing to learn that a bride and groom don’t send thank you cards for the gifts that they received. We are living in a time which is not grateful for others. Disciples are different. We realize that a thank you is one way to extend life to others.

Fourth, even when the message must be hard, whether in a sermon, a talk with the kids or even a conversation with a friend, there is a way of saying things without tearing them up. Think first. Pray. Speak carefully. Usually when we get excited, our mouths run far ahead of our brains. We say things that we shouldn’t. We get in trouble for saying things that are out of line. There is a way. The word “Gospel,” means good news. You’d never know it the way some preach. They make a person go home feeling worse than when they came. Life and death—we must remember that concept.

Fifth, encouragers, those that give life, are fun to be around and can turn a dark place into something bright and good. The gloom and doom crowd rains on everyone’s day. They are no fun to be around. You leave discouraged. That’s the death squad. They kill with their words. The encouragers, those that give life, have a special way of lifting up a sad spirit. They smile. They hug. They are truly glad to see you.

There is a wonderful concept that comes from the synagogue official’s little girl who died. Jesus went to his home. He took her by the hand and told her to get up. She obeyed. I just wonder when her eyes first opened, if the first person she saw was Jesus. I want to think so. What an encouraging face. I don’t know this, but I expect there was a smile on His face when she opened her eyes. I like to think our death will be like that. We close our eyes to this world, and when they open on the other side, we see His face. Don’t know for sure if it will be like that, but that certainly puts “life” into my steps.

Good thoughts. Kind words. Compliments. Good laughter. Happy times. Conversations with a three-year-old. An afternoon with a dear Christian. Thoughts of Heaven. The face of Jesus. Life. Let us be the givers of life. Satan is death. Death is the world. Death is dark. Death seems to be the end, even though it’s not. Death isn’t pleasant or happy. But life, oh, my! Wonderful, wonderful life.

Be kind with what you say. Don’t hide behind, “I just told him the truth,” and be guilty of dispensing death. Don’t abuse God’s word by thinking, “It’s a sword and swords cut.” Give life. Be a fountain of blessings and hope. You can change the temperature of your home and even the congregation by your words and attitude. Sour folks make things cold. Mean folks makes things too hot. But givers of life, offer that refreshing breath of air that’s just right. It picks up tired spirits on a Wednesday night. It offers hope to those who are discouraged and scared. It motivates us to keep on.

Life and death—you hold the key. Your words…use them carefully today. Find ways to give life to a dying world.

Roger

Jump Start # 872

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

We grew up hearing the phrase, “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never harm you.” That might have been thought up to deal with bullies, but it didn’t take very long to find out that the phrase was flawed. Words do hurt. They sting, cut, take the wind out of your sail and can cripple a person. It doesn’t have to a string of words, nor even deep or complicated words that affect us.

Consider a few of these words and you’ll see what I mean: malignant; fired; broke; guilty; cancer; cut; divorce; hate; dead; gone; failed; flunked; separated; withdrawn; dumb; useless; alzheimers; unwelcome. Those of you that have experienced those words know the pain and sorrow behind them. Only words, sure, but they changed and affected you deeply.

Now consider some “life” words. Single words that build and encourage. Words like: yes; hope; forgiven; trust; love; like; invited; accepted; approved; promoted; graduated; needed; helpful; awesome; great; thanks; please; friend; fun; joy; happy; smiles; laughter; giggles; sunshine; Sunday; worship; God; faith; peace.

The right word can make all the difference. It can be the fuel to keep one going or it can be the very thing that causes a person to quit. Finding and using the right word is essential. Sometimes in anger or haste a person will use the wrong word. Hurt results. A person then apologies by saying “I used the wrong word,” or, “I didn’t mean it.” Too late. Damage done. You stuck a knife into the heart of someone and then think the apology will fix it. Usually, it doesn’t. The right word is the key.

Now some application:

• Parenting: choosing the right words, especially when dealing with teenagers is important. Their reckless, lazy and indifferent ways can make a parent scream. We often do. Then we open the barn door to a list of harsh words that belittle and beat down the spirit of the child. Right words. It’s best to say little when angry. Remember what James said, “Be slow to speak.” Think about the big picture. Win the war. You are dealing with head and heart issues. Often the teenager knows (head) but he doesn’t want to (heart). Right words. Right timing. This is hard for parents. There is no where for you to resign. God needs you in the thick of it to guide and help that child of yours. Right words.

• Correcting someone. Choose right words. Somehow we’ve gotten the idea that if I am correcting someone who is wrong, especially religiously wrong, all bets are off and the gloves come off and I can let him have it with both barrels. We justify such harshness by saying, “I only told him the truth.” Right. You destroyed the person. You unleashed harsh words, critical tones and judgmental attitudes that weakens your position and makes the other person go farther the other way. Choose right words. The N.T. tells us to correct with gentleness. It calls upon us to be kind. Those are not options, kind or correct; gentle or truth. They go together. Help the person, not destroy them. Making fun of what a person believes, telling them that a doctrine is dumb, or that everyone can see that they are wrong doesn’t prove your point. Show them with Scripture. Let the Bible be the power, not your tongue!  Let God work on their soul, not psychology. The manner this is done will help or destroy a person. Be gentle with the young preacher who makes mistakes. He’s trying. He may not know as much as you do. He may have meant one thing and said another. He is young and nervous. I know this. I was there many times. Kind people helped me. I know of too many others who quit because the right words were not chosen. The spirit of the young preacher was destroyed. They felt that they were failures in the kingdom because they made a mistake. Shame on those who in the pretense of correcting someone, destroys them because they used the wrong words and the wrong tone.

• Comforting someone. Choose the right words. Often a person means well, it just doesn’t sound that way when you listen to what they said. Think. Be careful. Fewer words is the best. There are difficult situations that we find it hard to know what to say. What do you say to a young woman who miscarried a baby. You have tons of kids. She can’t have one. Choose the right words. What do you say to someone who has stage four cancer? Say the right words. What do you say at the funeral home? I’ve stood by the widow before and have heard what people say. They don’t know what to say and feel like they have to say something. Usually it’s the wrong thing. Often it comes out sideways. “How are you doing?”  isn’t the best words to say to a woman standing besides the casket of her husband. Do you really want to know? “Did he have insurance?” isn’t appropriate. What follows? How much insurance did he have? Those are personal and private matters. If you want  to hand her an envelop with a check in it just do it. No questions asked. “Are you going to stay in the house?” Not at the funeral home. Too soon to think those thoughts. That’s something that the family must work through. We are just nosey and curious. Right words. Comfort. Hugs comfort. “I’m praying for you,” comforts. “I’m here for you,” comforts. “I love you” comforts. Few words. Right words. Words of life, not words of death.

Right words. Think first. Say the best words. Use few words. Be thoughtful. Stand in their shoes. Remember the golden rule. This works in parenting, correcting and comforting.

Right words. I like, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Those words of Jesus sure sound good, don’t they. Try helping others today with right words. Everyone has a story. Everyone is going through things. For some, this is a great day. For others, this is a terrible day. Be mindful of that. The right words are life. The wrong words are death. Choose life!

Roger