Jump Start # 3228

Proverbs 18:24 “A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

The holiday season is upon us. As I write this, I have Christmas songs playing in the background. I’m one who could listen to those songs year round. So many great things happen this time of year. Holiday movies, Christmas cookies, the thrill of wrapping presents, and getting with family. Home for the holidays can be very delightful. But for some it is stressful. Some dread it. For some, it takes about all year to recover from such things. And, the reason for this is because of relationship issues. A survey asked if you could have one other person with you on a deserted island who would it be? More than half, 54%, chose a pet over another person.

And, home for the holidays is stressful because we do not pick our family. And for some, what a mess they are.

• The Never-Pleased-Dad who is never satisfied with what you do. Never one to give a compliment, he only sees the failures and mistakes in your life.

• The Constant-Nagging Mom who continues to treat you like a child, even though you are grown, married and have your own children. Negative is her only mood. She doesn’t like how you decorate your house. She doesn’t approve of how you are raising your children. And, to every meal, she brings a large heaping of guilt.

• The Name-Calling-Brothers who act as if they have never grown up. Teasing, ridicule and meanness is what they are all about.

• The Nit-Picking Sister who is the drama queen of the family. She majors in making mountains out of mole hills and getting into everyone else’s business. She won’t let things be still. She stirs, irritates, and projects her opinion on every subject. She creates problems where there are no problems. She’s all about herself. She loves to drop names, talk about who is kissing who in Hollywood and the latest fashions. Worldly, secular, and indifferent to everyone else, that’s the dear sister.

• The Nutty Cousin who doesn’t have a filter on his mouth or a moral bone in his body. He has been through so many marriages the family has lost count. He’s loud, opinionated and generally wrong on about every topic he brings up. He thinks he is an expert on religion, even though he hasn’t darkened a church building in decades.

• Neurotic grandpa who might say anything at any moment. He can be prejudice, narrow minded and rude all at the same time. He always wants to talk about politics, which no one else wants to listen to.

With such a mess, it’s hard to want to go home for the holidays. Some don’t. And what we must remember is that some people make no effort to get along. They expect you to agree with them. They want to share their opinion but they don’t care about what others have to say. Some change through the years and what we find is that we have very little in common with them. We may share the same last name, but that’s about it. And, some relationships are toxic and harmful. It’s like hugging a porcupine, there’s going to be a lot of pain doing that.

Our verse reminds us that friends are made by choices, family is not. There are some bonds we have spiritually that our physical family may not understand, appreciate, nor like. What can you do? You are expected to be there? You know it’s going to be bad. It always is. Stressful, strained, and toxic—what do you do?

First, realize that you cannot change grown adults. But neither do you have to give approval to sinful behavior. Establish boundaries and limits. I love the quote, “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with dirty feet.” Dr. Henry Cloud’s book on establishing boundaries is a great place to begin. As the conversation swiftly turns to gossip, try to change the subject. What you are not comfortable revealing, don’t. Some people just want to know because they are nosey.

Second, continue to let your light shine. Speak well of the church and what the Lord has done for you. You might have meaningful conversations one-on-one, away from the noise at the table and all the chatter of things that do not matter. Talk to that teen and ask him how things are going. Remember to let the beauty of Jesus be seen in you.

Third, prepare for the trip by having a plan and saying a prayer. Talk to your kids about what might take place and prepare them. On the way home, try to find blessings to talk about.

I know families where nearly everyone is a believer in Jesus. What a wonderful blessing that is. I also know families in which only one person is a Christian and everyone else is everything else. It’s hard. But maybe God has placed in you situations like that to show Jesus. You might be the only person that shows Jesus to them.

Home for the Holidays—it can be tough. Make sure that you’re not the cause for someone to dread coming together.

Roger

Jump Start # 1852

Proverbs 18:24 “A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

We had a teen devo the other evening. The topic was friends that can mess up your life. Teens have trouble with that. Most of us got into trouble because of a friend that encouraged us to do something that we know we shouldn’t, but we did. It’s hard to blame the friend, we chose to do it, we were just encouraged and not thinking.

There are two steps in this passage. One is plural and the other is singular.

The first step is a man of too many friends. That’s the plural. The result is ruin. That seems counter to how we feel. You can just hear someone saying, “You can’t have too many friends.” This verse says, “Yes, you can.” Too many friends brings disaster. We are not told why, but it’s not too hard to understand. Friendships take time. Friends do things together. Friends are in each others lives. That’s the idea of friends. Too many, and a person is spread thin. Too many and a person can’t keep up. Too many, and a person is running crazy with all the activities, all the things the different friends want to do. The person with too many friends must be popular. It seems everyone wants to be his friend. Everyone wants to be around him. Some are popular because of their charisma. Others, because of their talent. Some by good looks. In every high school, there is always that issue of fitting in. The “in” kids and the “out” kids. The “out” kids want to be “in.” The “in” don’t want the “out.” The popular kids can let all of this go to their heads. Many look back on the high school days and realize the ugliness and tension that filled those hallways.

One must wonder how this verse fits in with social media today. Is it possible to have “too many” friends? All the texts. All the Twitter. All the Facebook posts. Reading all of that every day can take the day. Before long, a person spends every spare moment checking their phone. Another message. Another post. More likes to add. More smiles to post. More comments to add. Does it ever get to the point where a person says, “too much?”

We are not told what the “ruin” is that the writer had in mind. Was he ruined physically by exhaustion? Was he ruined morally as he tried to please all these people? Was he ruined spiritually? It may have been a combination of all of these.

The other aspect that we are not told, is how many is too many? What’s the limit? We wish that God told us things like that. Most likely, the number is not given because it varies with each person. One person may be able to handle more friends than someone else. It must be individual.

The second step in this passage, the singular use, is the one friend. There is one friend who sticks closer than a brother. Friend and brother. The friend remained closer than the brother. We understand this in life. We do not get to pick who are parents are, nor our siblings. Some get good ones, others not so good. As we grow up, move away, we find certain people who are dear to our hearts. They stick close. They remain close. They are people that we have chosen to be our friends. Their thinking, out look on life and lifestyles are connected to ours. They have helped us. They have been there for us. And, we have been there for them. We have a history.

Among us, it is essential for that friend to be a Christian. We need that person in our life who not only is a dear friend, but understands and values the Lord as we do. We need that person who will tell us what we need to hear, even if it is not what we want to hear. We need that person whose eyes are set upon Heaven, to be that spiritual encourager, that reminder of our goal and purpose and to be that confident counselor who will help us finish the course we started with the Lord. A true spiritual friend who will not allow us to back out of a marriage because we are tired. A true spiritual friend who knows our story and still loves us.

The first and foremost place we need that friend is in our marriage. Marrying your best friend, who so happens to be your spiritual best friend, is vital. You need to pray in your marriage. You need encouragement in your marriage. You need to be on the same page spiritually so your decisions, will honor the Lord. It is often asked, “Is it a sin to marry someone who is not a Christian?” Of course, not. Many are Christians today, because of their mate. Many more, though, are no longer walking with the Lord because of their mate. They compromised. They got weaker. Instead of pulling their mate up, their mate pulled them down. It’s always easier to go down hill than up hill. It’s hard to have hospitality, especially with the church family, when one in the marriage is not a Christian. It’s hard to give as you really want to when one in the marriage doesn’t see the importance of doing that.

Marrying your best friend is a part of life that parents have trouble with. Your child tells you everything. Growing up, you become the most important person in your child’s life. Then they meet someone, fall in love and get married, and you are replaced. You are not involved as much. You are not told much. They have shifted their friendship from you to their mate. That’s the way it is supposed to be. God said a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. This is the way it is to be, but for parents, they feel left out. It’s hard, but that’s the way we want it for their sake. Parents that do not get this, continually drive a wedge in their child’s marriage and make things difficult. Parents, we are replaced in our child’s heart by their mate. You can understand this in your own life and make this easy or you can become the “in-law” that everyone dreads.

Outside of our marriage, we ought to have a dear spiritual friend that we can talk to. Someone who is going to be that encourager and help for us. What a powerful difference that makes to have that person who is there to help, guide, remind and even kick us in the pants when we need it.

Do you have that? Who do you go to when you have concerns spiritually? Who can you talk to about things spiritually? Who picks you up spiritually?

In many ways, too many friends brings a person to ruin, just as no friends brings a person to ruin. It’s more than simply having a friend, it’s having the right kind of friend who is of great spiritual quality and brings the best out of you.

We all need that. I got to spend a couple of hours with one of mine yesterday. It is always worth it!

Roger

Jump Start # 1642

Proverbs 18:24 “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. (KJV)

  It seems very strange but it is becoming a common occurrence in many congregations, and especially larger congregations, which makes this seem most unusual. I’m hearing more and more people say, “I have no friends in church.” Or, they might say, “I feel alone in church.” What makes this really hard to understand is that they say that while sitting around 250 to 400 people every Sunday. One of the common myths and even complaints directed toward large congregations is that “you can’t know everyone.” That’s really not true, but how is it that a person can feel like they know “no one.” These sad words come not just from single people, but from young couples. These words do not come from just new people. I’ve heard it expressed from families that have attended the same congregation for decades. “We just don’t know anyone here.”

Making friends is not as easy as it seems. Some have no trouble with this and others don’t know how to begin. Fellowship is limited when we do not feel close to each other in the church. Some of the great benefits of a church family is missing when one feels alone spiritually. Problems are often carried alone because there is no one to talk to. One never feels connected or that they belong when they are on the outside looking in. Some church leaders are oblivious to this growing problem. It seems to be felt especially among younger Christians. If nothing changes, the friendless member will eventually drift away. He will believe that he is not needed, wanted nor liked. He is often not invited to social activities that people have. He is always on the outside. His fears and doubts feed his low self esteem. He will even question whether God likes him.

I have had conversations with lonely Christians too many times. Human nature demands that we be social beings. If a Christian cannot find the social interaction that he needs among Christians, then he will find it among those who are not Christians. There begins the pull back to the world. There begins the first steps of departing. It happens and few notice it. They don’t notice it because he is not in the “inner circle” of friends. I have known preachers who have felt this way. I have known Christians who longed to talk to another Christian but didn’t feel close enough to be able to do that. We are not talking about someone who is in a congregation of five people, we are talking about a person who worships with hundreds. The isolated and lonely Christian is an easy target for Satan to pick off.

What can be done? What should be done? Here are a few suggestions.

First, there is a responsibility upon the person to make friends. Our verse speaks of that. A man must show himself friendly. There are those who are naturally shy. There are those who just leave as quickly as they can when services are over. They come for God and only for God. They miss out by not being part of a church family. So, if I am this way, I must work at trying to make friends at church. How? Don’t come at the last second and leave as soon as you can. That’s a start. Get there and talk to people. Be friendly. People are not judging you as you might believe. Wear a smile. Stick out your hand and greet people. Sit in different places. It’s easy to point fingers and accuse a place of not being friendly when you are doing every possible thing you can to stay in the shadows and not let people know you. If a family invites you out or to their home, accept the offer. This is how you get to know people. “What will we talk about?” Just start with a few questions, such as, “Have you being going here very long?” “Where do you work?” Let things flow. When they ask you a question, it’s not like you are being interrogated by the FBI, so don’t give one word answers. Talk. Take a step, risky as it might be, and allow people to see who you are. You might be amazed that people will like you. When we put up barriers all around you, people cannot know you. You will find people who have similar interests that you have. You will find people who have gone through similar things as you have.  You may find a person that you really like. You must be friendly.

Second, there is a responsibility that the church family has. New people can often feel that they are on the outside. It is important that we break down those barriers and include them and accept them. Remember the first time you met the family of the person you were going to marry? When you were just dating, it was awkward. Once you got engaged, things were better. Once you were in the family, it was great. There was that process of knowing you and you knowing them. The same is true at church.

• Make it a point to greet new faces on Sunday. It’s easy to gravitate to just our friends or talk to the people who sit around us. Move around. Sit in different places. Look for new people and greet them. Smile. Stick out your hand. Tell them your name. Invite them out to eat with you. Put down the judgmental attitudes. New people, especially those who are not Christians, might show up in shorts. They may have blue hair. They might have tattoos. There might be a pack of cigarettes showing in their pocket. They may even walk in with coffee in their hand. Don’t blow the war trumpets. Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t whisper as they walk by. Don’t think that God loves you more than “them.” Be glad that they are there. They could be out behind the building shooting heroin. They came to worship. Welcome them.  Don’t start getting on folks about this and that. If you do, you won’t see them again. Be friendly.

• Have an arrangement with several families that when someone becomes a member that immediately they are invited into homes for a meal. Work out a system with those who are willing to do this. Within a short time, that new family may be in six to ten homes. Immediately they begin to feel part of the church family.

• Look for those who seem to be isolated, lonely or don’t talk to many people. Have your radar on. Shepherds need to be watching for this. The one that doesn’t fit in, feel welcome, or has friends, may be one who drops out. Don’t let that happen.

• Avoid the “club” atmosphere by including new people when you have parties and get togethers. It’s easy to just invite the same ole’ gang time after time, but those who are not a part of the “gang” will sense that and feel isolated and not welcome. Include others.

• After a short time, start using new members in services. Allow them to participate publicly. Allow them to teach and do other things. Help them understand the routine and how worship flows, but incorporate them. In some places, the new folks are never included, used and it’s the same ones who do everything. New faces, new ideas can help a place.

• Practice the golden rule. How would you like to be treated if you were the new face on Sunday? The friendliness of a place can do more good than a month of sermons.

Now, a true story. There was a lady in her 60’s that showed up one Sunday, years ago at another place where I once preached. A widow sitting in front of her greeted her and asked if she would like to go out to eat. The visitor, not knowing this lady, quickly turned down the invitation. The next week she was back with her husband. In time a study was set up. I baptized them both. I will never forget what she told me right before she was baptized. She politely said, “Roger, it wasn’t your sermons, but it was that invitation from the lady the very first time I came.” She went on to say that she had been going to another kind of church for 25 years and no one had ever asked her to go out to eat. That so impressed her that she wanted to see what was going on. “And, that woman, was just a member,” is something that stayed with her. The couple I baptized and the lady who first gave the invitation to go out to eat have all passed away.  But that memory, that example, that touching story never will.

The lesson from the pew can be greater than the lesson from the pulpit.

Be friendly.

Roger